I have a bit of a problem and I need your advise. People I know usually consider me to be a dirty person but in fact I am a filthy person. I know it is of a good nature to be filthy but this new urge of mine is not natural, or is it? Lately I have been thinking about animals, not animals like Viðar, but especially little pigs. These thoughts are dirty and I am ashamed of myself, I already talked to Þórir about this but he said that this was normal and that I shouldn't try to resist this. What am I to do Mr. Machumphry, should I follow Þórirs advice and give in to my desires or restrain myself?
Well, this Þórir which you have spoken to is one of the filthiest creatures around these days I dare say. He is constantly sending me questons filled with such extreme perverted filth that I cannot answer them. Therefore you shouldn´t listen to this sick bastards advice about animal sex. But on the other hand, little pigs are indeed quite cute and therefore it isn´t very weird that you want to make sweet love to them. The trick is you see to calm them down before the lovemaking. The easiest way and of course the most erotic is to give them marmalade to eat. When they´ve tasted this magical jellylike sex medicine they don´t mind having their body covered with it. If you do that, the pig is yours!
posted by MacHumphry at 11:46 PM
Is it filthy to imagine another ones fantasies while you masturbate in the kitchen and use the marmalade to boost your orgasm? Also I was wondering if you could tell me a few of yours fantasies so I can use them to maximise my orgasm!
Theese questions here are constantly getting filthier, but I like it in a naughty little way I daresay.
Well, my dear lady Poppycock. (What a charming nickname indeed!) If you have been reading my answers to the other dirty questions here on Mr. Gudmundsson´s splendid website, you should know that there is nothing filthy about masturbating using marmalade in some way. Whether it´s filthy to imagine other people fantasies really depends on the dirtines of the fantasie itself. If they are related to fairy tales or somekind of jelly then you shouldn´t worry about them. On the other hand I´m not really found of your idea about masturbating in the kitchen. Why on earth do you want to masturbate there when you can be intimate with yourself for example in the closet or even under the bed?
If you want to know something about my fantasies Lady Poppycock you should carefully read through my answers and take notes. I do though like wearing a Little red riding hood costume.
posted by MacHumphry at 10:21 PM
My problem is that I have a "thing" for hot young Thai-boys, and my dream is to go on an "exotic" trip to Thailand. I don't have any money for the trip because I don't work like other people, I only watch pornographic videos all day. I tried to get a loan from my mother but she went crazy and told me to go and fuck myself. I don't know what to do. Please help me sir, my hunger for hot young Thai-boys is calling to you!
Well, my dear little rice-eater lover. Your problem is indeed a common one. It is natural for a person to desire somekind of a relationship with someone of the lowest order socially speaking. Often young lads like yourself want to get humiliated by little boys who eat rice all day because of some perveted reason. Myself went on a sex mission to Thailand when I was younger but with little success. Nobody wanted to make love to me, even if I offreded them considerably high amount of money. My advice to you is that if you haven´t discovered the marmalade yet, you really should try it. Masturbating covered with this magical stuff is an experience you will never forget.
posted by MacHumphry at 10:28 PM
My name is Johnas and I was a student in 6-Y. I think alot about filthy things and my favourit thing is my buttplug. I use it every time I get chance to and then I always turn off my phone. Am I abnormal my dear McHumphry?
Well my dear old chap mister Johnas. When I was a little boy I masturbated extremly often. Every time I got an orgasm I screamed far beyond the norm and often I embaressed my parents infront of their noble friends. When I discovered the marmalade I started masturbating of more intensity and it was then when my father decided to buy me a buttplug. He knew by himself how soothing and relaxing this device is and that it would make me stop screaming every time I got an orgasm. I use it still when I´m felling distressed. My dear Johnas, you are far from being abnormal.
posted by MacHumphry at 8:14 PM
I was wondering, have you and Lord Paddington put marmelade over your bodies and made wild love in a cinema?
This is indeed an abominable question. I only put marmalade on my body on my most sincere and private moments. As you ought to know I´m a gentleman of the highest order and a nobleman indeed. It´s completely disgraceful that you are implying that I and Lord Paddington have a homosexual relationship. Despite the fact that Lord Paddington is very handsome and has a very arousing body I would never, I repeat, NEVER do anything of this dirty kind. This is indeed thoroughly unpleasant and disagreeable question!
posted by MacHumphry at 9:01 PM
I´m so excited. My special marmaladenight is today.
posted by MacHumphry at 6:46 PM
I was wondering; is it naughty of me to think about Mr. Gudmundsson, Aríann, Trölla and Handsome Hawk taking each other in the ass with "tilhlaupi" while I double click the mouse??? It seems like a dirty little thing but it feels soooooooo good.
Yours Sincerely, hver önnur
Well, you are a filthy little thing aren´t you? This fantasy of your´s is quite arousing but immoral I daresay. Why don´t you think of a small valley with woods and fields and little rivers? I actually don´t know what this "tilhlaupi" means, but if it´s an Icelandic word for jelly or even marmalade then you´re not quite as naughty indeed. But PLEASE stop thinking dirty thoughts about Mr. Gudmundsson. He dosn´t like pervertism of this kind.
posted by MacHumphry at 6:10 PM
Fräulein Liebe: Is it normal to love when your girlfriend licks your asshole while you are farting and looking at a photo of a pandabear?
I´ve never heard about anything like this before so I had to try it myself I daresay. Because I haven´t got any girlfriend I had to use my faithful dog Thatcher to do the dirty part. I have to say that this is very filthy and unmoral. I felt very ashamed afterwards and I tried to wash the dirt of my soul by drinking alot of marmalade but it didn´t work. I don´t like you Fräulein Liebe.
posted by MacHumphry at 6:47 PM
Ég hef alveg hrikalegar fréttir að færa!
Sir MacHumphry, hinn þekkti og virti breski kynlífsráðgjafi liggur nú þungt haldinn á sjúkrahúsi fyrir aðalsmenn í London. Í gegnum árin hefur hann svalað bæði spennufíkn og kynhvöt sinni með svokölluðum kæfifullnægingum en það er frekar sóðaleg athöfn sem felst í því að loka fyrir súrefnisflæði til heila meðan fullnæging stendur yfir. Hann fannst nær dauða en lífi í sumarvillu sinni í Shrineville fyrir tæpri viku útataður í marmelaði og íklæddur rauðhettu búningi og er það ástæðan fyrir því að hann hefur ekki svarað spurningum hér um hríð. Ég hringdi í hann í gær og sagðist hann ætla að halda áfram að svara sóðaspurningunum um leið og heilsa hans leyfði.
posted by MacHumphry at 8:59 PM
Aríinn: Is it appropriate to masturbate while one is in class with many other people, both girls and boys, like my filthy friend Addi who is known as yfirsóði and giant-masturbator has done rapidly during this last year of mine in the Commercial College of Iceland? It would by different if there were not any boys in the classroom because the girls like it, I think, but I find it disgraceful and with this vulgar behaviour he has stepped on my innocent soul.
Well my dear boy. When I was a young lad I had a small problem. In the classes of the very expensive private school my parents sent me to I masturbated alot. Nobody noticed it but when I got an orgasm I started crying. I was ashamed of myself. I knew I had done something naughty and immoral. Therefore if your friend Addi likes marmalade and knows he has behaved disobediently I think he´s quite normal.
posted by MacHumphry at 5:43 PM
Handsome Hawk: Do you like farting in the bathtub sir MacHumphry?
Why are you asking me this silly question? I´m a respectable British sex advicer and a nobleman may I add. This is absurd and I think it´s very childish indeed. Actually I enjoy trying to catch the fart bubbles with my mouth. It is a very difficult thing to do but when I succeed I reward myself with a biscuit with marmlade.
posted by MacHumphry at 5:43 PM
Aríinn: Is it normal to masturbate while taking a dump?
I´ve heard about this sort of pervertism before. The icelandic verb for it is to "krunka ser" or something like that. I personally think that this is filthy because I´m a gentleman. I prefer tea and biscuits you see. My advice to you dear boy is to stop this nonsense.
posted by MacHumphry at 5:42 PM
Bodyforlife boy: Do you masturbate alot sir MacHumphry?
Arrogance like this will not be tolerated on this website. I´m a respectable British gentleman and therefor I´m easaly offended by rudeness of this nature. I´ve talked to mister Gudmundsson and he´s considering to forbid you to visit his website. Of course I masturbate alot!
posted by MacHumphry at 5:42 PM
Strumpurinn: Is it alright to masturbate over a picture of ones grandmother?
Well my dear lad old chap mister Strumpurinn. It depends on your grandmother. For example, does she like marmelade with her cup of tea? Is her body marvelous and does she have a small dog she enjoyes taking short walks in the park? I know mine did, and therefore I didn´t feel guilty after thinking dirty thoughts about her.